Monday, September 20, 2010

This Is What I'm Used To...

Last night I had a hardcore talk with myself. I realized that actually behind it all, I'm a horrible person. To be completely honest, I don't see how anyone could possibly be friends with me. I'm never able to tell the truth. Of course, no one knows that, but I do and it kills me because I do tell the truth just not 100% of it. Deep down I wish I could be upfront with people, whether it's by telling my mom I don't hate her, or to just tell him that I like him a lot more than he knows, I want to be open and I want people to know. But what's holding me back? Is it my fear of being rejected or just coming to terms with everything? Truly, I have no clue. And don't get me wrong, I want to change, I really do but I don't have a clue on where to begin. If I were to mention it to people, they'd deny it because I'm the sweet little angel that never can be mean or do anything wrong but that's because I'm holding up a mask of innocence so I won't be frowned upon. Yet sadly, no one can see through that disguise, no one dares to. So what do I do? Keep being who I am or change to someone new? I honestly don't know where to start, nor if I want to... I want to change but I don't want to lose anyone in the process as a price. My mind is jumbled, I can't see straight... If only I had a light, a peace but I'm too scared to get it, to find happiness. So I suppose this is the price I pay for not having any guts what so ever to fix it or find someone to talk to about it...

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