Blargh.

-Insert 'Blargh Face' Here-

I'm so done right now. I just wish everything could go back to how it was. When I didn't contemplate how I felt and I just dove into everything. But right now I feel as if I don't want to jump into anything because I want something to last. I just want a long term happiness... As long as I have my mind stuck on one person, and not willing to let it go I guess I won't have short term or long term happiness, I'll just be an alone hag who hates the world. Yup, I guess that's me.

What Do I Do?

I guess it's hard because I can never make up my mind. One moment I can see it so clear, decide exactly what I want, but then in a matter of seconds it changes. It all changes... I realize that I don't want a thing to change, I don't know how any of it would work, yet I still find myself thinking about it all the time. You could say it's like getting a child's hopes up, only to have the intention of destroying them, although with myself it's repetitive. And then I also have the thought that why should I care? I tell everyone else I know not to get their hopes up, that it'll end but it's a step to a greater future. Why should I wish for anything different? Why should I wish just to have that certain person forever when I know deep down that it's not right? Maybe I'm a hypocrite... But he means so much to me, and I just have that feeling, yet my brain always tells me that it can't be possible; he can't be the one. I'm invisible, a wall you could say, when it comes to being seen in anyway out of the nerd or friend area. But I always find myself hoping for something different... This will run through my mind a thousand more times again before I finally make a decision; keep holding on or give it up. Right now I'm leaning on the give up side, but I can't...

So what do I do?

Sleep...

 

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

Better Together.

 

"I believe in memories because they look so,
So pretty when I sleep,
And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me.
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing.
And there is no combination of words I could say,
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together."

This Is What I'm Used To...

Last night I had a hardcore talk with myself. I realized that actually behind it all, I'm a horrible person. To be completely honest, I don't see how anyone could possibly be friends with me. I'm never able to tell the truth. Of course, no one knows that, but I do and it kills me because I do tell the truth just not 100% of it. Deep down I wish I could be upfront with people, whether it's by telling my mom I don't hate her, or to just tell him that I like him a lot more than he knows, I want to be open and I want people to know. But what's holding me back? Is it my fear of being rejected or just coming to terms with everything? Truly, I have no clue. And don't get me wrong, I want to change, I really do but I don't have a clue on where to begin. If I were to mention it to people, they'd deny it because I'm the sweet little angel that never can be mean or do anything wrong but that's because I'm holding up a mask of innocence so I won't be frowned upon. Yet sadly, no one can see through that disguise, no one dares to. So what do I do? Keep being who I am or change to someone new? I honestly don't know where to start, nor if I want to... I want to change but I don't want to lose anyone in the process as a price. My mind is jumbled, I can't see straight... If only I had a light, a peace but I'm too scared to get it, to find happiness. So I suppose this is the price I pay for not having any guts what so ever to fix it or find someone to talk to about it...

Is It Bad?

 

I guess I just don't know what's wrong with me,
Because for once I'm happy.

First Thing...

So I came up with this plan today,
To clone the universe and everything in it.
Then everyone original could poke in their head and see how their clone selves were doing,
Who they're with, if their lives are any better.
And want to know the the first thing I'd look for?
I'd look to see if I was finally with you.
♥
 

The Possibilities...

It's so unclear what you say to me,
As if you want it but don't all at once.
Like you're scared of the possibilities,
But have to cover up when you slip and show what you truly want.
And I guess I just don't know what to do,
Because I can say anything so close, so similar,
But never exactly what I actually mean.
Maybe that just means we're partially the same,
However acting in different manners.
I suppose this shall last till one of us changes our ways,
Or one of us actually moves on.
Then again, I could be completely off base,
You're just being you,
And I'm looking, hoping, it's more than it really is.

Beside You.

"If your heart wears thin, I will hold you up,
And I will hide you when it gets too much.
I'll be right beside you,
Nobody will break you."

I'll Look After You...

 

"There now, steady love, so few come and don't go.
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know?
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around,
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down."

 

:)

As long as your in my life,
I don't care what we are.
I just want you to still be able to
Make me smile.

Anyone Else, But You.

"I don't see what anyone can see,
In anyone else...
But you."

Never Be Mine...

 

You make me so happy,
And I love you so much.
And that is exactly why I hate you,
Because even with all that,
You'll never be mine.

The iTunes Soundtrack To My Life

Instructions:
1. Open your library (itunes, media player, ipod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…


Opening Credits:
Please, Please by Mcfly
(Ha, it isn't that bad of an intro but not perfect I will admit.)

Waking Up:
Folkin' Around by Panic! At The Disco
(OMG if I woke up to this song I'd shoot myself. I love Panic, but waking up to like country is not my idea of happiness.)

First Day of School:
Crime Of The Century by Supertramp
(I've never heard this song. o-O It's my dads music. But it's interesting, I can see myself walking into school with this playing.)

Falling in Love:
Pokemon, What Happened to You? by Alex Day

(Oh geez, that's an interesting love song. xD Must be a nerd too. :D)

Fight Song:
 

Lollipopby Mika
(LMFAOOO. I don't think I'd win ANY fight if that were my fight song, fml.)

Prom:
She Had the World by Panic! At The Disco
(Aww I love this song, I can picture kinda slow dancing to this. :D)

Life:
Dangerous Blues by The Young Veins
(Umm, I can't decide if this is good or not. But it's not that bad for a life song.)

Mental Breakdown:
Patricia the Stripper by The Wombats
(Lmfaoooo. That's great, just great.)

Driving:
Time to Dance by Panic! At The Disco
(Gawd, so much Panic! atm. Hmm I love this song so yeah, perfect driving song.)

Flashback:
Build God, Then We'll Talk by Panic! At The Disco
(Did I just jinx myself or something haha? Now i'm flash backing about fucking a mime according to the music video. Or I flash back about having sex, and being a hoe? Lovely.)

Getting Back Together:
Don't Stop Me Now by Mcfly (Their version)
(Umm fail much? Well I guess I would feel that excited if I were getting back together with someone.)

Losing Your Virginity:
All About You by McFly
(AWWW! I'll lose my virginity during this song happily. ^-^ Would have been better for wedding though...)

Wedding:
The Technicolor Phase by Owl City
(I don't think this is a great wedding song. Vanilla Twilight or Saltwater Room would have been better.)

Birth of Child:
Fell Down a Hole by Wolfmother
(My poor child falling down holes LOL. No further comment.)

Final Battle:
I Wanna Hold You by McFly
(Okay, seriously, no more McFly and what's with these sissy fight songs LOL. Fml.)

Death Scene:
Moon On The Water by Sowelu
(Hmm... it's peaceful but I'd hope for something more epic...)

Funeral Song:
POV by McFly
(Umm... That's depressing... Fml, bad funeral song lol.)

End Credits: 

Rain by Mika
(Haha, ahh that's great. But really random end credit song.)

Okay official conclusion on this, I'm not as screwed as Teoh lmfaooo.