And I've Lost...

I figured taking a stand, doing what I wanted for a change would actually get me somewhere... Well I was wrong. Standing up for myself, trying to do what was right, what I wanted, instead of doing what everyone else wanted got me deeper into a hole I really don't want to be in. I figured if I let her come to me, she would and she'd be all ideas to fix it all. That she would do something to prove that saving our friendship wasn't hopeless... She didn't. She sat there somewhat quietly, just listening to what I had to say, then bringing up that same thing, "I'm happy around them."

And then it was back to me. How could I find a way to fix it? Well I didn't think we could right then, I figured it was hopeless like I said... Now she probably doesn't even care. She probably is just happy with him and doesn't even need me. I'm not important anymore, just like every other best friend I've ever had. I'd be good enough till something better came along, but isn't that how it always works for everyone? Well that is bullshit. I try not to leave people when something better comes along, and frankly I don't 75% of the time. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm saying in her shoes, I'd be acting differently...

I would have given him up because friendship means more to me... Boys come and go, but friendship is supposed to stay, supposed to stick. But I guess that usually isn't always the case... I still have friends, I still have some people I'm really close to. Actually, this experience got me closer to one friend in particular and I'm happy about that, but I didn't want that to happen at this expense. What do I do now?

My Future: Happy With a Chance of Rain.

"Don’t unplug me
or just shut me down
Please just love me
with your steel heart
I’d reboot you
If you’d look at me
With those cold eyes
One more time" 

Don't Unplug Me
by
ALL CAPS 

  

Such a good song, if I do say so myself. Anyway, onto other business. I've come to the conclusion that if you want to escape the drama, you need to stop talking about the drama. Get a hobby, a life, have some fun. Too bad I'm lacking in the hobby and life area, but I know how to have fun. I may not get to go out and do it too often, but I know how to. For now I'm stuck day dreaming of my future, the one I keep forgetting about to deal with everything that's going on now.  

Now you're probably wondering, "What dream do you have Sam?" or you may not be wondering that at all and are actually thinking about lunch. Well, since I can't help with lunch, I'll just assume you care about thought number one. First part of this little dream of mine is to finish high school. Wow, finish high school, how highly standard. Well I'm only saying that because I can't wait till my summer before college, when I want to go visit England, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland.

Then after I finish college I'll go into whatever profession I have decided. I haven't really picked exactly what I want to do but I have a few things in mind. Either I can work my butt off for money to then transfer to England or I will stumble across the love of my life that just happens to live in England. Who knows, I'm not going to be picky with where the path takes me. As long as I'm happy, marry a wonderful man, and live in England, I'll be incredibly content.

I should probably talk about the dream man a little bit too huh? Well I don't ask for much. I don't want the average stud that almost every girl is looking for. I'm just looking for the man that has a great sense of humor, kind heart, intellectual brain, and a nature that wouldn't hurt a fly. A nerd would be fabulous. I guess you'd care about the outer looks too, huh? As long as he's just the nerdy cute with muscles I'll be happy. I guess what matters most is that we fit each other like gloves and that we will be the best possible parents we can be. That's all we can really ask for.

So that's my dream, my goal in life. What can I say, it isn't that fabulous, but it is for me. All I could ask for is a happy life, and I can't think of any other way to spend it than with a lovely husband, family, and setting. I may be too young to even worry about any of this, but it's the only thing that keeps me going.
So here's to the future, the present, and the past.
May it all turn out to be what you wished for and more. ♥