Monday, October 11, 2010

Normal Day in a Not Normal Teenager's Head. :D

 And I'm weakening... I was going to hold it in till I got over it or I knew for 100%, but now I'm just tired of waiting. This isn't as pressing as with that one person last year but I think that's good. Now being able to reflect over that, I think it was because I didn't have a chance anymore and I wanted that chase, I wanted to make it hard on myself. Yet now I know that I don't want that anymore, I want things to be simple and drama-free. This is exactly why I want to tell him, because it feels simple. Don't get me wrong, not in a bad way. Just he makes everything simple; no pain, no problems, just smiles and happiness. We have the same core values, we believe the same things, we're on the same page. Creepily enough, and this will come back to ruin things or bite me in the ass, but I feel like he's possibly the one. My knight in shining armor, my best friend...
 All that's truly holding me back is fear. It's always fear... Just losing someone so close to me would damage me. He was the light when I was in the dark last year; been through a lot with me and he doesn't even know. All those times I was mad, upset, heart broken over and over and over, he was the one I wanted to talk to. He was the one that could put a smile on my face and lift my heart back up. Yeah, it is cheesy, and I will be the first to admit it, but it's true. Also, even if it all worked out perfectly and he liked me too, relationships make friendships die faster. Well, if they're not the one of course. But it's not even right to be jumping to that right now, just take it a step at a time... This step, right now, is figuring out if it's worth the risk just to find out if this is mutual. That's all I really want to know to be completely honest. From there, I'd figure it out. Writing this kind of talked me out of this whole growing balls and confessing to him, just made it a tad more confusing. But what's nice about this confusing is it's not tearing me apart, not ruining my life or distracting me. Even though this is the hardest step, and lets not forget following through, but it's not that bad. It's just like bungee jumping. The prep before the jump is what kills and gnaws at you, and yeah when you take that risk and jump, every part of your body is going to tell you that you're retarded and question what the hell you're doing. But then after the whole experience you'll look back at it and smile to yourself because you survived, and it wasn't as bad as you thought. All it was was the thoughts and actual action that scared you. So I think like bungee jumping, I need to suck it up, put on my big girl panties and step up to this cliff and jump. What's the worst that could happen? Oh yeah, my cord breaking and my brains and organs being permanently imprinted and spread across the bottom. Doesn't sound dangerous to me either!