Sunday, May 30, 2010

And I've Lost...

I figured taking a stand, doing what I wanted for a change would actually get me somewhere... Well I was wrong. Standing up for myself, trying to do what was right, what I wanted, instead of doing what everyone else wanted got me deeper into a hole I really don't want to be in. I figured if I let her come to me, she would and she'd be all ideas to fix it all. That she would do something to prove that saving our friendship wasn't hopeless... She didn't. She sat there somewhat quietly, just listening to what I had to say, then bringing up that same thing, "I'm happy around them."

And then it was back to me. How could I find a way to fix it? Well I didn't think we could right then, I figured it was hopeless like I said... Now she probably doesn't even care. She probably is just happy with him and doesn't even need me. I'm not important anymore, just like every other best friend I've ever had. I'd be good enough till something better came along, but isn't that how it always works for everyone? Well that is bullshit. I try not to leave people when something better comes along, and frankly I don't 75% of the time. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm saying in her shoes, I'd be acting differently...

I would have given him up because friendship means more to me... Boys come and go, but friendship is supposed to stay, supposed to stick. But I guess that usually isn't always the case... I still have friends, I still have some people I'm really close to. Actually, this experience got me closer to one friend in particular and I'm happy about that, but I didn't want that to happen at this expense. What do I do now?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

My Future: Happy With a Chance of Rain.

"Don’t unplug me
or just shut me down
Please just love me
with your steel heart
I’d reboot you
If you’d look at me
With those cold eyes
One more time"
Don't Unplug Me

Such a good song, if I do say so myself. Anyway, onto other business. I've come to the conclusion that if you want to escape the drama, you need to stop talking about the drama. Get a hobby, a life, have some fun. Too bad I'm lacking in the hobby and life area, but I know how to have fun. I may not get to go out and do it too often, but I know how to. For now I'm stuck day dreaming of my future, the one I keep forgetting about to deal with everything that's going on now.  

Now you're probably wondering, "What dream do you have Sam?" or you may not be wondering that at all and are actually thinking about lunch. Well, since I can't help with lunch, I'll just assume you care about thought number one. First part of this little dream of mine is to finish high school. Wow, finish high school, how highly standard. Well I'm only saying that because I can't wait till my summer before college, when I want to go visit England, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland.

Then after I finish college I'll go into whatever profession I have decided. I haven't really picked exactly what I want to do but I have a few things in mind. Either I can work my butt off for money to then transfer to England or I will stumble across the love of my life that just happens to live in England. Who knows, I'm not going to be picky with where the path takes me. As long as I'm happy, marry a wonderful man, and live in England, I'll be incredibly content.

I should probably talk about the dream man a little bit too huh? Well I don't ask for much. I don't want the average stud that almost every girl is looking for. I'm just looking for the man that has a great sense of humor, kind heart, intellectual brain, and a nature that wouldn't hurt a fly. A nerd would be fabulous. I guess you'd care about the outer looks too, huh? As long as he's just the nerdy cute with muscles I'll be happy. I guess what matters most is that we fit each other like gloves and that we will be the best possible parents we can be. That's all we can really ask for.

So that's my dream, my goal in life. What can I say, it isn't that fabulous, but it is for me. All I could ask for is a happy life, and I can't think of any other way to spend it than with a lovely husband, family, and setting. I may be too young to even worry about any of this, but it's the only thing that keeps me going.
So here's to the future, the present, and the past.
May it all turn out to be what you wished for and more. ♥

Friday, May 21, 2010

Always Losing [A Poem by Me]

Always Losing

I don't know where it went,
All the fun and the games.
But now all I can see,
Is the loss and the pain.
Everything good must come to an end,
But I think this is beyond a possible mend.

Why must everything above,
Be destined to fall?
And why do we care,
If we just lose it all?
Without the depression,
We wouldn't know the joys.
Wouldn't it be easier,
To be an emotionless toy?

I'm tired of losing,
All that I worked for.
I'm tired of being stomped on,
Why not bring on some more?
You're breaking me already,
It won't make a difference.
But if you want to continue,

Please increase your speed of swiftness.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Catch Up. [:

I think this deserves for a well needed catch up session. Biggest thing that has happened recently was going to the lovely place you see above, which would be Olympia in Washington state, our capital. My humanities class was competing in a project called Project Citizen at state. First time our school went, first time my teacher had ever even done this project and we won state! Little `ol town from the middle of nowhere beat out the rich schools and we now represent Washington in the national competition. I took a lot of pictures, [including that one] and had just tons of fun. I wouldn't change that experience for anything in the world, it meant so much to me. I also got told by the Deputy sheriff of our county, and Detective Adam that I should go to law school and become a lawyer. Too bad my passion is in helping the environment and psychology, otherwise I think they're right and I'd be pretty darn good at that.

I'll also have to include the negative in this, but it's starting to look up a bit. Lately I've felt really alone, really secluded, really unhappy. I felt as if I was losing my best friend to my ex, whom I spent 5 years of my life on. Five years. I won't lie, it still hurts that she did that to me, but I told her to. I told her to follow her heart... We had another long conversation about me being upset and her being upset, but both of us agreeing upon missing the way things used to be. After that, and a few fallen tears yet again, she changed the subject and for the first time in a month I felt like I was mostly talking to my old best friend. You know, the one I loved and cherished so much.  For the first time in a long time, I have hope that things will be okay, or at least they'll get better. Let's just hope it ends up staying that way...

During having those times when I'm more depressed than anything, it leaves me with a lot of time to think. That means memories I don't want to remember, wounds being re-opened and poked at, just more pains and aches. It hurts, remembering all I wish I could forget and never being able to let it go. Even those good memories kill me. When I'm all alone at night, I remember everything. When I do something that reminds me of certain people and certain things, then I want to crawl in a hole and die. I really want to crawl into a little Samantha- ball already, and I think I may do that as soon as I'm done writing this. My secret for right now, is that I found out the boy I shouldn't like, liked me before. He told me today, and I would have told him I liked him if my friend hadn't of been there. Then again I don't think that would have been a good idea... 

Curse you bad habits, peoples expectations and judgment, and you for being everything I'm not allowed to have but something I actually, oddly, want.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Tables turn...

And people change. Every last one of them. You'll go through the sadness, the depression, those periods of time when the ground seems to be collapsing from under you. Oh, are those the times of pain and feeling nothing but being lost. People around you will tell you, "Don't worry, it'll all be over soon enough, and things will be perfectly fine." Of course they're trying to tell you the truth but unfortunately it's all just a lie. All wounds may heal, but never completely. Trust will never fully be regained, and holes in your world will never be stitched back together all the way.

 But we keep hoping, hoping it'll all be okay...

And then other times you go through the happiness. Smiles, being delighted, and a sense that the world understands you or doesn't even matter. Most people love to live like that, and actually do. They find ways to make the happiness last, and to never even take in the negatives. What a way to live... It's the best way by far, no more tears or any problems. That's exactly what I envy from them. Tables may turn, and people may change but it never seems to have an affect on them. They're happy whether things are horrible or not. They could lost their best friend, have a family member die, or even lose the love of their life and after maybe a day of mopping, they look at the things they have and how much it means to them.

Screw the way things turn out or the people that left, what matters is who's still there beside you and what you still have to look forward to.

And I wish I thought like the happy people...
But I have changed,
my tables have turned,
and I'm stuck on the pessimistic side of the mirror.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Oh you...

How you come back at my weakest, when I'm all alone and I feel as if I have no one. Just silently drowning in my own unhappiness, waiting for a change. Right when I would feel as if the world had walked out on me, and I'm all by myself with nothing and no one, you pop back up. Remind me of why I like you, why you mean so much, and why you are one of my best friends. The small talk means everything to me, and I know that sounds really corny, but it's true. I can't leave the thought of you, and I haven't for a year or so.

The point is that when you show back up, my day brightens, my mind brightens.I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so upset. It's like just talking to you brings me out of my irritable depression, where I yell about everything and can't find myself to smile.One word from you and my mood completely U-turns and so do my thoughts and actions.  I don't know why you make me feel this way, or why you've had such a big affect on me, and honestly I wish I knew. All I can say is that you're important to me, and I don't know where I'd be without you. 

Probably dead I'd imagine. Or at least cutting off everyone from my life. As long as you speak to me, I'm happy. Any word from you and I cheer up instantly. But is it the same for you? Do I have such a big impact on your life, just as you do mine? I guess I'll never know, but you'll always be in my heart. I just hope that's the same for you when it comes to me.

Don't ever forget your Sammy-Kins.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I Have a Confession...

I'm a Doctor Who fan girl. Yes, I came out and said it. So do you know what that means? 
A Doctor Who blog for today!
Let's start from the beginning...

This was my very first Doctor, David Tennant. I started watching the show when Christopher Eccleston was the 9th Doctor. To be fair, I started watching the series back in '09 because of a band. Anyway, David has to be my favorite Doctor because he was quirky, sympathetic, and clever. He'd come up with plans to save the day, feel bad for whom he couldn't save, and be humble about it all. Not to mention, he has really awesome hair.
But on to the new series with the new Doctor...
Meet Matt Smith. I've only seen him in four episodes so far, but he still is pretty funny. From what I can tell he's humorous, not that clever, but humble. I can tell he's going to be a great Doctor and I'm really excited that I get to spend my first actual Doctor Who watching season [on time at least] with him. The stories might not be as catchy and gripping anymore, but I have hope for a little more excitement from the stories and Matt.
And now my review on the return of the Weeping Angels...

I've only seen the first part so far, but I have to say I'm a little disappointed. Their first appearance in the episode "Blink" was really good. It was scary, interesting, and incredibly cool. But the first part of the return was just, I don't know. Maybe I'm being more hypocritical... Or maybe I'm just sad that this episode lacked the clever wittiness from the Doctor's character. I do hope the second part picks up a bit in all that seems to be lacking.
Well that is it for this Doctor Who Blog.
Don't worry, there are many more to come in the future.