Thursday, November 4, 2010

I made a tumblr today... I'm sorry Blogspot. I will return soon, at least that's my bet. 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"I have another scenario for you - I'm in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I'm in love... with YOU. I'm not feeling this because you're leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way... which, by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can't figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you. I can't believe how many times I'm saying it! And I never thought I'd feel this way again, so that's pretty phenomenal. And I realize that I come as a package deal: 3 for the price of 1. I know my package, perhaps in the light of day, isn't all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want and that, in itself, is a miracle. And what I want is YOU."

Monday, October 11, 2010

Normal Day in a Not Normal Teenager's Head. :D

 And I'm weakening... I was going to hold it in till I got over it or I knew for 100%, but now I'm just tired of waiting. This isn't as pressing as with that one person last year but I think that's good. Now being able to reflect over that, I think it was because I didn't have a chance anymore and I wanted that chase, I wanted to make it hard on myself. Yet now I know that I don't want that anymore, I want things to be simple and drama-free. This is exactly why I want to tell him, because it feels simple. Don't get me wrong, not in a bad way. Just he makes everything simple; no pain, no problems, just smiles and happiness. We have the same core values, we believe the same things, we're on the same page. Creepily enough, and this will come back to ruin things or bite me in the ass, but I feel like he's possibly the one. My knight in shining armor, my best friend...
 All that's truly holding me back is fear. It's always fear... Just losing someone so close to me would damage me. He was the light when I was in the dark last year; been through a lot with me and he doesn't even know. All those times I was mad, upset, heart broken over and over and over, he was the one I wanted to talk to. He was the one that could put a smile on my face and lift my heart back up. Yeah, it is cheesy, and I will be the first to admit it, but it's true. Also, even if it all worked out perfectly and he liked me too, relationships make friendships die faster. Well, if they're not the one of course. But it's not even right to be jumping to that right now, just take it a step at a time... This step, right now, is figuring out if it's worth the risk just to find out if this is mutual. That's all I really want to know to be completely honest. From there, I'd figure it out. Writing this kind of talked me out of this whole growing balls and confessing to him, just made it a tad more confusing. But what's nice about this confusing is it's not tearing me apart, not ruining my life or distracting me. Even though this is the hardest step, and lets not forget following through, but it's not that bad. It's just like bungee jumping. The prep before the jump is what kills and gnaws at you, and yeah when you take that risk and jump, every part of your body is going to tell you that you're retarded and question what the hell you're doing. But then after the whole experience you'll look back at it and smile to yourself because you survived, and it wasn't as bad as you thought. All it was was the thoughts and actual action that scared you. So I think like bungee jumping, I need to suck it up, put on my big girl panties and step up to this cliff and jump. What's the worst that could happen? Oh yeah, my cord breaking and my brains and organs being permanently imprinted and spread across the bottom. Doesn't sound dangerous to me either!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I Lie In Fear of Losing You (Original Poem)

I Lie In Fear Of Losing You
There's a door I just can't open,
A line I cannot cross.
I'm in love with everything we are,
But live in fear of having it lost.

This is why I can not speak,
All the things that are on my mind.
Because if I tell the truth for just one moment,
Our love, we'll never find.

Yet I hope that one day,
You'll break it just for me.
For I simply cannot stand,
That you just can't seem to see.

I love you more than words can describe,
Or more than actions could show.
But for right now I suppose,
You will never know.
secretlylovingyou2.jpg secret love image by rumors-pink

Sunday, September 26, 2010


-Insert 'Blargh Face' Here-

I'm so done right now. I just wish everything could go back to how it was. When I didn't contemplate how I felt and I just dove into everything. But right now I feel as if I don't want to jump into anything because I want something to last. I just want a long term happiness... As long as I have my mind stuck on one person, and not willing to let it go I guess I won't have short term or long term happiness, I'll just be an alone hag who hates the world. Yup, I guess that's me.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

What Do I Do?

I guess it's hard because I can never make up my mind. One moment I can see it so clear, decide exactly what I want, but then in a matter of seconds it changes. It all changes... I realize that I don't want a thing to change, I don't know how any of it would work, yet I still find myself thinking about it all the time. You could say it's like getting a child's hopes up, only to have the intention of destroying them, although with myself it's repetitive. And then I also have the thought that why should I care? I tell everyone else I know not to get their hopes up, that it'll end but it's a step to a greater future. Why should I wish for anything different? Why should I wish just to have that certain person forever when I know deep down that it's not right? Maybe I'm a hypocrite... But he means so much to me, and I just have that feeling, yet my brain always tells me that it can't be possible; he can't be the one. I'm invisible, a wall you could say, when it comes to being seen in anyway out of the nerd or friend area. But I always find myself hoping for something different... This will run through my mind a thousand more times again before I finally make a decision; keep holding on or give it up. Right now I'm leaning on the give up side, but I can't...

So what do I do?

Thursday, September 23, 2010


"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Better Together.

"I believe in memories because they look so,
So pretty when I sleep,
And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me.
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing.
And there is no combination of words I could say,
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together."

Monday, September 20, 2010

This Is What I'm Used To...

Last night I had a hardcore talk with myself. I realized that actually behind it all, I'm a horrible person. To be completely honest, I don't see how anyone could possibly be friends with me. I'm never able to tell the truth. Of course, no one knows that, but I do and it kills me because I do tell the truth just not 100% of it. Deep down I wish I could be upfront with people, whether it's by telling my mom I don't hate her, or to just tell him that I like him a lot more than he knows, I want to be open and I want people to know. But what's holding me back? Is it my fear of being rejected or just coming to terms with everything? Truly, I have no clue. And don't get me wrong, I want to change, I really do but I don't have a clue on where to begin. If I were to mention it to people, they'd deny it because I'm the sweet little angel that never can be mean or do anything wrong but that's because I'm holding up a mask of innocence so I won't be frowned upon. Yet sadly, no one can see through that disguise, no one dares to. So what do I do? Keep being who I am or change to someone new? I honestly don't know where to start, nor if I want to... I want to change but I don't want to lose anyone in the process as a price. My mind is jumbled, I can't see straight... If only I had a light, a peace but I'm too scared to get it, to find happiness. So I suppose this is the price I pay for not having any guts what so ever to fix it or find someone to talk to about it...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Is It Bad?

I guess I just don't know what's wrong with me,
Because for once I'm happy.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

First Thing...

So I came up with this plan today,
To clone the universe and everything in it.
Then everyone original could poke in their head and see how their clone selves were doing,
Who they're with, if their lives are any better.
And want to know the the first thing I'd look for?
I'd look to see if I was finally with you.


Monday, September 13, 2010

The Possibilities...

around.jpg Post Secret image by nicolerrz12
It's so unclear what you say to me,
As if you want it but don't all at once.
Like you're scared of the possibilities,
But have to cover up when you slip and show what you truly want.
And I guess I just don't know what to do,
Because I can say anything so close, so similar,
But never exactly what I actually mean.
Maybe that just means we're partially the same,
However acting in different manners.
I suppose this shall last till one of us changes our ways,
Or one of us actually moves on.
Then again, I could be completely off base,
You're just being you,
And I'm looking, hoping, it's more than it really is.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Beside You.

"If your heart wears thin, I will hold you up,
And I will hide you when it gets too much.
I'll be right beside you,
Nobody will break you."

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'll Look After You...

"There now, steady love, so few come and don't go.
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know?
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around,
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down."

Monday, September 6, 2010


As long as your in my life,
I don't care what we are.
I just want you to still be able to
Make me smile.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Anyone Else, But You.

"I don't see what anyone can see,
In anyone else...
But you."

Friday, September 3, 2010

Never Be Mine...

You make me so happy,
And I love you so much.
And that is exactly why I hate you,
Because even with all that,
never be mine.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The iTunes Soundtrack To My Life

1. Open your library (itunes, media player, ipod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Opening Credits:
Please, Please by Mcfly
(Ha, it isn't that bad of an intro but not perfect I will admit.)

Waking Up:
Folkin' Around by Panic! At The Disco
(OMG if I woke up to this song I'd shoot myself. I love Panic, but waking up to like country is not my idea of happiness.)

First Day of School:
Crime Of The Century by Supertramp
(I've never heard this song. o-O It's my dads music. But it's interesting, I can see myself walking into school with this playing.)

Falling in Love:
Pokemon, What Happened to You? by Alex Day
(Oh geez, that's an interesting love song. xD Must be a nerd too. :D)

Fight Song:
Lollipopby Mika
(LMFAOOO. I don't think I'd win ANY fight if that were my fight song, fml.)

She Had the World by Panic! At The Disco
(Aww I love this song, I can picture kinda slow dancing to this. :D)

Dangerous Blues by The Young Veins
(Umm, I can't decide if this is good or not. But it's not that bad for a life song.)

Mental Breakdown:
Patricia the Stripper by The Wombats
(Lmfaoooo. That's great, just great.)

Time to Dance by Panic! At The Disco
(Gawd, so much Panic! atm. Hmm I love this song so yeah, perfect driving song.)

Build God, Then We'll Talk by Panic! At The Disco
(Did I just jinx myself or something haha? Now i'm flash backing about fucking a mime according to the music video. Or I flash back about having sex, and being a hoe? Lovely.)

Getting Back Together:
Don't Stop Me Now by Mcfly (Their version)
(Umm fail much? Well I guess I would feel that excited if I were getting back together with someone.)

Losing Your Virginity:
All About You by McFly
(AWWW! I'll lose my virginity during this song happily. ^-^ Would have been better for wedding though...)

The Technicolor Phase by Owl City
(I don't think this is a great wedding song. Vanilla Twilight or Saltwater Room would have been better.)

Birth of Child:
Fell Down a Hole by Wolfmother
(My poor child falling down holes LOL. No further comment.)

Final Battle:
I Wanna Hold You by McFly
(Okay, seriously, no more McFly and what's with these sissy fight songs LOL. Fml.)

Death Scene:
Moon On The Water by Sowelu
(Hmm... it's peaceful but I'd hope for something more epic...)

Funeral Song:
POV by McFly
(Umm... That's depressing... Fml, bad funeral song lol.)

End Credits: 

Rain by Mika
(Haha, ahh that's great. But really random end credit song.)

Okay official conclusion on this, I'm not as screwed as Teoh lmfaooo.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You're My Wonderwall...

"I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.
And all the roads that lead to you were winding,
nd all the lights that light the way are blinding.
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
I don't know how...
I said maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me.
And after all, you're my wonderwall."

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Olive You ♥

"Olive you and the little things you do.
What two words can mean, afraid to say the other three.
Olive you the words are coming true,
I don't know what to say...
But olive you."

Run Away...

run_away__by_Becso.jpg run away image by gabxgore
I wish I could run away,
To a place where I could be happy...

Saturday, August 28, 2010

What Happened?

I'm miserable, &
I miss being happy...

Friday, August 27, 2010

You're My Hole in the Wall.

Liking someone else while you are in love
is like putting a painting up to cover a hole in the wall.
After that painting is gone, the hole still remains
because after all, covering it doesn't change a thing.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Take A Chance

You'll always lose 
what you never tried for.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Update Post?

Not like anyone who reads this actually cares about my life, but I'll fill you in anyway. I just got back from California a day ago after visiting my sister for 10 days. It was absolutely amazing, and too many things happened to even talk about. Picking out a favorite part is hard as well, so I'd probably just have to say the whole trip! We got City Pass passes and went to Universal, Disney Land, California Adventures, Sea World, and the San Diego Zoo for my first time. During this process I got a lovely uneven tan on my arms and sun burned my nose so now I look like an odd person who has a rash on my nose but that's okay, it was worth it. I will admit I missed my friends so much but it was nice meeting all of my sisters friends down there like Mark, Vicky, Kurt, Kurt's Family, etc and talking to strangers in lines like they were our best friends. Here are some pictures of the things we did:

Universal Tour

Madam Tussauds

Tom Sawyers Island at Disney Land

Tower of Terror at California Adventures

Dolphin Interaction at Sea World

Backstage Pass at the San Diego Zoo 

So that's basically the highlights of the trip. I'd go into details on everything but I'm way too lazy and want to watch Harry Potter so I hope you enjoyed my pictures! 

Monday, August 9, 2010

Rhyme and Reason.

"You're the reason to my rhyme.
And it's a shame, no it's a crime,
That I've not told you that I loved you,
Cause I never found the time...
You're my happiness and sadness,
You're the method to my madness.
Nobody I'd rather be with,
Nobody I'd ever be with..."

Saturday, August 7, 2010

One Way Out- I Quit.

If I were gone I wouldn't be missed...
All I am is a care giver,
Not even a care giver that gets a vacation.
Just used and used until I die.
So why don't I just quit this job early?
I can't escape like my sister did by moving.
I can't go to a boarding school or run away.
The only way out of this mess is to send myself to the unknown...


Thursday, August 5, 2010

We Made a Film.

"Like blood and ice cream put into a bowl,
Oh, it doesn't seem right, but somehow we go.
And I know this is true,
Yes, I know this is true,
'Cos we made a film."